The importance of Play
Play is the first form of learning and attunement play starts very early – games like peek a boo and repeating baby sounds back to an infant set the tone for connection and a sense of safety within our youngsters. This emotional connection builds awareness and creates a sense of being understood and cared for – critical factors for a child to build confidence and start to explore the world.
As our children get bigger, we tend to play with them less and start to bring an expectation of adult behaviour to our interaction with them – especially with eldest children. With this adultification and dwindling play comes a drop in connection opportunities. Even as adults we need to have fun, to play and to cast off our adult responsibilities from time to time.
Our young people crave this interaction. And they crave it with us, their parents.
We also assume that play is something that happens between peers, and we forget that we can offer invaluable access to this part of our kids. “The more responsive the parent is to their child, the deeper the attachment and the more likely the child will develop healthy ways of responding to the people around them,” says Bessel van der Kolk in his book, The Body Keeps the Score.
In a nutshell: play is a wonderful and simple shortcut to making children and young adults feel safe, connected, and loved.
But what if we find it tedious? What if we find it hard to access the playful side of ourselves?
Here are some suggestions:
As they wake, find silly and light-hearted ways to connect with them:
· As you dress your child, place their trousers on your head and tell them that this is where their trousers are meant to go. They’ll soon tell you that’s not where they go. Some children may even say you are being silly – if so, you can confirm that this is EXACTLY what you are being. (When they do the same next day, tell them you’d love to see them turn up to school with trousers on their head – give them joy in the pretending.)
· Pretend to put toothpaste on their hairbrush. (Be prepared to clean it up if they do the same, knowing that a hairbrush will wash and, although irritating, will be easy enough to sort out.)
· Pour milk into their bowl with the lid still on. “Doh! I messed up there, never mind!”
At the end of the day, when you collect your child from school, be ready to connect:
· Be prepared to finish your conversation with another adult quickly and to fully engage with your child. By all means apologise in advance to the adult with whom you are speaking – and let them know you are going to turn your attention to your child as soon as they approach you.
· Look at them directly in the eye as they approach and offer the biggest hug. (When they refuse your hug, don’t take it personally; it tells you something else is needed. Get curious)
· Pick them up and swing them around if you can. Give them the sense of joy that you feel when you see them after a day apart.
· Treat them to your childish side - have a joke up your sleeve that you can share or get stuck into a game of tag.
· Put time aside to play in the playground for a few minutes TOGETHER; shelve adult conversations and focus on your child’s need to re-attune with you through play.
· Let them know you have missed their company and are delighted to spend time with them again. Thank them for playing with you.
When at home, when your child asks you to play with them:
· Respond immediately with “YES!” Even if you must follow up with “as soon as I have finished changing the baby’s nappy.”
· If the idea of child’s play is tedious and uninviting – set a timer: “I’d love to play with you. Thank you for asking – the timer is set for 5 minutes (less if you can’t bear it) on my phone, after which I’ll return to making dinner.” You will come to realise that it is a very short amount of time and you will see just how much your child values moments of connection like this.
· When the timer goes off, thank your child for giving their time to you. And let them know that you are looking forward to the next opportunity you have together.
Conscious Parenting: The Basics was summed up this week as ““Life changing. Awesome. So powerful. Essential (for me). Penny-droppingly brilliant.”
What would your Mum say??
Shifting our parenting style from a paradigm employed by our parents can be challenging and uncomfortable. No more so than when we demonstrate a new approach under the watchful eye of our own Mum or Dad.
You may face outright criticism of your parenting approach, or perhaps you are being met with a face filled with unspoken judgement. Maybe your parents resort to their traditional “Because I say so!” parenting style when you are not around.
And yet, there are parts of your childhood experience on which you’d like to improve…
Firstly, take time to acknowledge to yourself that your parents did the very best they could. Their resources were not the same as ours are (I’m thinking the internet, taboo subjects and open conversations), culturally accepted norms were different (children should be seen and not heard; spanking was still part of the parenting toolbox) and, most importantly, neuroscience was not nearly as developed as it is today, so their sources of trusted information were limited.
Secondly, acknowledge to parents that you appreciate this and wish to build on all they did and so you have decided to do things differently, without any intention to vilify or discredit their work. You may need to reassure your parent(s) that your love for them is not compromised by the difference in your parenting strategies. It’s not personal.
And finally, gently request that your parent(s) try to follow your lead. Explain your methodology in a careful and considered way “I appreciate that you did the best you could for me (and my siblings) and I’m really grateful for that. There is so much more research that has taken place around child development since then of which I’d really like to take advantage and so would it be ok if you….”
Some of the classic lines you may encounter include (but are not limited to):
“We told you to get on with it and you turned out ok”
to which you can reply
“I know you did the best that you could and I’m grateful for that. There were times when I really could have used your time to talk through the difficulties I was facing, rather than just get on with them. I choose to offer that time to my child(ren) and I’d love it if you do the same when they are distressed or disgruntled.”
“You are being weak, don’t let a child get away with this behaviour!”
to which you can reply
“I believe that a child’s inconvenient or inappropriate behaviour is simply an immature way of communicating a need. I’m keen to understand what the need is, so I’m going to approach this with curiosity rather than punishment.”
“This is utter chaos, I can’t cope!”
to which you can reply
“Yes, it’s pretty hectic, I get that. The kid’s energy is high right now and I think that means they need to burn it off. I’m going to take them for a walk soon. Would you like to come?”
“How will they cope in the world if you don’t show them what harsh reality looks like?”
to which you can reply, in the words of LR Knost
“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”
The next course on how to implement these strategies starts on 6 June. It’s filling up! Book here.
Authenticity
Authenticity – what on earth is that? Last week I referred to authenticity in the context of encouraging your child to pay attention to their inner voice in order to develop their body autonomy.
On an expanded level – and to attempt to answer the question - authenticity is the capacity to be true to your own values and spirit, regardless of pressure from elsewhere to act differently. It is desirable because it exudes trustworthiness and confidence. Moreover, authenticity inspires others to feel safe and to share more of themselves by responding with their own authenticity. We move into a place where we fully see one another, in all our imperfect glory.
Brene Brown says “To be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect—and vulnerable. We have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. I've learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude and joy into our lives than by mindfully practicing authenticity.”
You can see how authenticity brings a deeper connection which fundamentally gives our life purpose and meaning. No time is this more true than in childhood – without connection with a significant caregiver, children are unable to survive.
So yes! We want our children to be authentic!
And yet… we spend large chunks of their childhood instructing them on the way that they should respond and controlling how they behave. We ask them to ignore their feelings for fear of upsetting another – a sibling, a friend, a teacher… us! And for many other reasons.
And here’s the thing: in order to remain attached and connected to their prime caregiver, children will compromise their authenticity.
This makes it hard for your child to be true to their own values and spirit. And later, when they are emerging adults and we encourage independent thought and free thinking, this leads to confusion from young people about who they are in the world.
Yes! We want our children to be authentic! We want them to speak their opinions honestly and assertively, without aggression. We want them to pursue their passions and make decisions that are in line with their values. We want them to listen to their inner voice, be vulnerable and open-hearted. For all of the reasons that Brene Brown states above (check her out if you don’t know her already; she rocks.)
Furthermore, Neil Pasricha, author of You Are Awesome states: “When you’re authentic, you end up following your heart, and you put yourself in places and situations and in conversations that you love and that you enjoy. You meet people that you like talking to. You go places you’ve dreamt about. And you end up following your heart and feeling very fulfilled.”
If this makes sense to you, you may wonder what you can do about it – how does this play out on a practical level as you parent your offspring?
1. Get curious. When your child triggers anger or irritation in you – be authentic yourself while asking: what do they need from you?“Woah, I’m angry right now. [Modelling authenticity – without projecting your feeling onto them]I’m going to take some deep breaths to regulate myself [Modelling self-regulation]I think there is something happening for you too. I’m interested to know what that is and to work out how I can help you.” [Modelling compassion & kindness. Encouraging authenticity]
2. Find the capacity to tolerate Big Feelings when you can.“I sense there is something big which you aren’t sure how to describe. [Modelling compassion & kindness.]I am here for you while you work it out. No rush” [Encouraging authenticity]
3. Notice them when they behave in a way that seeks your attention.“You just hit your brother. [Statement of fact without blame or attack]It’s never ok to hurt yourself, anyone else or to damage something [Setting clear boundaries].However, you need something from me. I’m here while we work this out together. Take your time.” [Encouraging authenticity]
4. Be present – this doesn’t mean simply be in the room. It means giving your full attention to your child. Putting down your phone. Looking them in the eye. Letting them know how much they mean to you through your open body language.
5. Be aware of internal and external influence – are you comparing your child’s behaviour to that of another child? Are you comparing your response to that of another parent/family? If you sense you are doing that:“Oh heck, what will the neighbours think while my child is bashing their legs against the wall?”or“John Smith’s child doesn’t act out like this. There must be something wrong with my child.”Check yourself and dig deep inside to find a place of self-regulation (a deep breath, step away, ask your partner to step in if possible, get rest, get extra support if you need it…)
And, as always, notice that you cannot possibly facilitate authenticity at all times – either yours or that of your child. Small adjustments can make all the difference and change takes time, energy and commitment. You will be glad you applied all three.
If you have any questions, or if you want to see something else discussed here, get in touch.
Body Autonomy
When your child refuses to kiss Granny goodbye or feels shy to cuddle your best friend, how do you react? When they reject the food you offer, what’s your default comment? When they are scared, how do you deal with it?
Your child’s sense of their body autonomy rises from your response to their bodily felt experiences.
What is body autonomy?
It is the right to make decisions about one’s own life and future - being empowered to make informed choices. And I’m pretty sure that most of us want our children to learn this skill. To learn the ability to say no when one’s boundary is crossed - either physically, emotionally or psychologically - is an incredibly hard competence to master and we assume our children can do it. Yet how can they if we are telling them not to listen to their body felt experience?
Let’s set the scene. You are at Grandma’s house and your child doesn’t want to kiss Grandma goodbye. Out of embarrassment, you insist - believing you are teaching your child good manners and/or strengthening the bond between your relative and your child. How about acknowledging that they don’t want to do it this time, that it’s ok and perhaps they would like to next time. Yes, Grandma may be disappointed, so gently state “Sorry, Mum, let’s give them a little space. I’d like them to learn how to say no when someone wants to touch them. Perhaps next time.”
Or dinner time “I don’t want to eat these vegetables!” Out of fear that your child will never eat vegetables, you insist - believing that you are teaching them a valuable lesson about nutrition and reassuring yourself that your child is fed. How about acknowledging that they have a choice about what they put into their body “No green beans for you today? That’s ok. I don’t fancy green beans sometimes either. Perhaps you will give them a go next time.”
“I’m scared of the dark!” cries your eldest. Out of worry that this will escalate at bedtime, you tell them there is nothing to be scared about, believing that you are teaching them that they can trust you because you are a grown up and have learned that the dark is not something of which they need to be scared. How about acknowledging the fear and asking them about it “I can see you are scared of the dark. You look frightened. Tell me more about how you feel. Perhaps I can help you.”
These responses all encourage a child to become aware and pay attention to their inner voice - and in doing so, you teach them to be authentic. (More on authenticity next time.)
Furthermore, how can you be respectful of your child? Do you sometimes overpower their body, restrict or tickle? Can you make a request before you launch in? Respect them when you wash, hug or dress them? They are learning to honour their body - do you want to contribute to this learning?
Here are a few other examples which tell your child to follow others and ignore their inner voice:
“You are tired,” when they would rather stay up.
“You are hungry,” when they would rather play.
“Play with your friend, why are you sitting with me?” when they choose to watch and not play.
Can this go too far? The question often comes up. “Should you ask a baby permission before you change their nappy?” The truth is that only you will know what is right for you, your child, your relationship, your family - no one can teach or tell you that. I invite you to bring curiosity to your exchanges with your kids - do your exchanges encourage autonomy? How would you want them to respond to a stranger in this situation? Are you teaching them that they have a choice and that they can respect their body’s choices? Or are you teaching that another knows their body better than they do?
I’m not suggesting that anything goes - Conscious Parenting is not carte blanche for kids to behave in any way they choose, and this is where further reading, learning and practice comes in, especially if there are parts of our own childhood we don’t wish to recreate for our kids.
There are non-negotiables, such as you will not simply observe as they hurt themselves or another. For example, if they are about to run into the road, you shout and this may cause distress - if you shout and respond in the similar way when they say they don’t want to cuddle Grandma, the road becomes as dangerous as not cuddling Grandma in a child’s eyes. Body autonomy becomes dangerous and it becomes even harder to set boundaries.
Conscious Parenting is the possibility to choose, consciously, what feels right for our family and for our child in the present moment, knowing that life changes, that our children age and that your response may be very different next time.
As always, if you have no clue what I’m waffling about, get in touch! I’m always keen to answer questions.
Conscious Parenting: The Basics - June 2022 places are filling. Book here if you want to join. There are only eight family spots. This is the last course until September 2022.
What do I do when my child is upset?
Your child – aged 4 or 14 or even 24 – is a puddle of tears on the sofa: what do you do about it?
Firstly, be aware that this is likely to cause you pain. No parent wants to see their child suffer. Yet that is not the same sentence as no child will ever suffer. There will be difficulty in your child’s life and part of your response will influence your child’s capacity to tolerate it. Stay with me…
Secondly, your pain will make it difficult to tune into what your child actually needs from you in that moment. In your pain, it becomes instinctive to remove your child’s discomfort. We go to comments such “It’s ok! Don’t cry!” or “There’s nothing to worry about, what’s your problem!” or “I know exactly how to sort this out!” In short, we find it so hard to deal with, that we cannot see that our child simply needs to feel the pain in the safety of our presence to be able to process it.
Thirdly, as it becomes difficult to assess what your child needs, it is a moment to stop and take stock. Can I respond in a more present and connected fashion at this point? What do I need to be able to do that?
Finally, notice that by trying to remove the pain, we negate their experience and invalidate their feelings. We are essentially saying “This is too much for me! I cannot cope!” and our child interprets this as “I’m too much for my parent. It isn’t safe for me to share this part of myself. I will learn to hide it.”
Tears and frustration indicate an overload in the sensory system – the upset person has not yet developed the capacity to deal with whatever caused the upset. When we, as parents, attempt to shut down the response, we are asking our child to keep this part of them to themselves – to deal with it on their own. When in fact, the child needs to be seen in this moment of despair with love, kindness, acceptance and compassion.
How does our response to them in their moment of pain influence their ability to tolerate difficult times?
When humans are given permission to experience difficult emotions in the safe emotional container of a loved one, without the need to chase it away and cover it up, they no longer fear the emotion as it has been allowed to exist. When we no longer fear an emotion, we can move into more emotional maturity where we consider all feelings to be part of the human experience and we accept them for part of life’s rich tapestry. In short; it still hurts yet it’s ok to feel the hurt.
It is never too late to connect to our child in a different way, so if your child is 4, 14 or 24 and you have always told them to get on with it, you can adapt your response and begin to see moments of suffering as an opportunity to connect and allow your child to feel seen, held and loved in all of their difficult moments, as well as their easy and straight forward ones.
So, what can we do?
Rather than: “It’s ok, don’t’ cry!” Try instead: “Cry as much as you need to. I’m here for you.”
Rather than: “There’s nothing to worry about! What’s your problem?” Try instead: “This is a big deal for you, I see that. I’m here for you”
Rather than: “I know exactly how to sort this out!” Try instead: “Do you want me to offer advice or to do something? I’m here for you”
These simple adjustments will take more time and require more emotional energy from you; I’d love to hear how you get on with them. And if you are not in the slightest bit sure of what I’m talking about – ask me!
Personal Development - Dreams
Can I indulge my child in her dreams? Surely, I need to prepare her for the disappointment she will feel when the world tells her she isn’t good enough? I feel it’s my role to protect her from this pain and distress!
Since the start of the year, this blog has been exploring children’s personal development and our impact upon it as parents. Children’s dreams of the future often come up in my work and many times I have been asked whether we have a responsibility to temper our children’s castles in the sky. Whether we need to protect them from the heartache of unfulfilled fantasies.
My answer is always, “Let them Dream.” As the safe haven for your children, we are also the guardian of their imaginations. Cradling and containing their hopes and aspirations, we give permission for them to become whatever they transpire to become – removing expectation of who we obligate them to be.
Our concern to protect them from pain is, in fact, a concern for ourselves.
Hear me out.
It is hard to accept that our children will feel uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings throughout their lives, even though it is totally unavoidable. The parental role is to provide a safe, loving and compassionate container within which these feelings can be processed while they learn – over a very long time (20 years or more) – how to contain and process feelings on their own.
Why not minimise pain? Surely it makes sense to protect our kids as much as we can? Of course, we protect them from the intricate details of big-ticket adult issues such as financial concerns and from exposure to inappropriate material on TV or the internet. Yet when we protect (distract/trivialise/belittle/shame) them from their own feelings, we prevent our children from understanding what feelings are and we reduce their capability to deal with disappointment and hurt when they are older.
The longer we protect them from disappointment, the more impactful it is when they finally face it. This comes thick and fast at tween/teen time when they become increasingly independent combined with a dramatically changing body, lifestyle and level of responsibility.
So our role is NOT to remove, distract from or trivialise the pain, but to support our children as they navigate it.
What we are concerning ourselves about when we try to prepare them for disappointment, then, is the pain WE will feel when we contain and process their discomfort and hurt.
Tempering dreams serves to anticipate and try to minimise our own pain, but as L.R.Knost beautifully wrote: “It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”
Children who can think beyond the realms of possibility are adults who create a new future. The genius German scientist Albert Einstein emphasised the importance of sticking to what you want to do, even when others think it's 'unrealistic'. "The person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts.”
So let them dream. And let them dream BIG. When they tell you their aspirations, ask them for more information. Get them to draw pictures, to describe what their dream looks like and to get enthusiastic about it. Dreaming big means having the mental freedom to think about what you really want out of life and forget about all the reasons why you can't make it a reality. It means having high standards for your life and setting the bar high for yourself. Yes, there will be disappointment on the way – and hurt and pain – and as parents, we are there to teach children to navigate pain, process it, allow it to be metabolised and seen and to allow it to pass through. We are the emotional buffer.
I leave you with the words of another titan of inspiration, Maya Angelou:
“A person is the product of their dreams. So make sure to dream great dreams. And then try to live your dream.”
Personal Development – Mental Development
Doom Scrolling was first coined in 2018 and it took prominence in Covid when we were all seeking extra information and chasing an understanding of how to process the changes that occurred so suddenly.
Doom means darkness and evil and the world feels dark right now.
While this term may have been invented very recently, the concept is far from original. I vividly recall being glued to the TV following the September 11 attacks and the tsunami of 2004 – desperately trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
We are hardwired to scrutinise, seek out and be drawn to the negative, because it can physically harm us; this fascination is in fact a survival instinct. From an evolutionary point of view, we seek negatives so that we can protect ourselves against them – I’m thinking predators, natural disaster, and other dangers to which our ancestors were subject. Why do you think we are so inclined to discuss the weather?
In modern society, however, we are unaware that we are seeking negative information. We are drawn to it instinctively and ensnared into it by social media algorithms which recognise our interest and expose us repeatedly and intermittently to the same. It makes sense; we are curious to discover more, we think information and understanding will make us feel better and so we scroll and scroll, believing that the solution lies in the detail. And yet we feel worse.
This compulsion to engross ourselves in negative news may grant us a feeling of being better prepared through being informed, yet it leads to worsened mood, disrupted sleep, increase in ruminative thought and compromised mental health as the fears are given extra airtime and therefore feel heightened; the opposite of our goal to feel reassured.
All well and good! Noted! I hear you cry. And what do you expect me to do about that? You also holler.
Firstly, simply become aware of this tendency. Instinctive tendencies can only be altered when we gather a conscious approach towards them.
Secondly, notice how you can help yourself by consciously setting limits on your exposure, knowing that minute by minute checks will not alleviate your unease: they are likely to increase it.
Should you have a tendency to watch the news at home, switch it off. The impact on your children of a constant stream of ticker tape news will not help them to understand the situation better.
If you have older children, take extra care to ensure that their devices are being monitored and their news consumption is tempered. Talk to them about how easy it is to be drawn into the news and how it can impact us.
Be mindful of how you are modelling news consumption to your children. And if you don’t want them to behave as you are, change your behaviour.
And finally, acknowledge to yourself – with kindness and gentleness – that there is a heaviness apparent as we metabolise the devastating and heart breaking news coming from Ukraine. By all means, stay informed. By all means, be aware of changes. Yet know that you can support yourself and your family best when you are well resourced through rest, through space to switch off and through time for connection with those whom you love.
Personal Development for Kids – Part 2
PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT - PUBERTY
Continuing from last week on the topic of Personal Development, I promised a piece on puberty this week… a few eyebrows have been raised at me in the playground since as this is topic is so deeply entrenched in history, in censorship, in our own childhood and in our culture.
What do we do when our children start asking questions?
The traditional answer “Ask your parent of the same gender/mother/father!” or “You’ll learn about it at school” simply isn’t going to cut it because if this one is left to chance, your child will learn everything (literally) from social media, playground myths or snippets from Netflix, YouTube or the Internet. Often much earlier than you’d like… which is going to give them SUCH a skewed notion of The Birds and The Bees (whatever that means – it never made sense to me!).
Should you mess up your parental controls on devices and should your child stumble across inappropriate content, you want your them to run to you, knowing that you can cope with the questions, rather than internalise images that could cause distress, confusion and worse.
The curiosity and, therefore, the conversation can start much, much earlier than our own hang-ups permit.
Begin by naming body parts with their real names – explain the difference between vulva, vagina and clitoris (and if you don’t know – find out!) and penis and testicles - and use these words in your daily life without embarrassment. If you are embarrassed about them, so will your child be. And this will bring shades of shame to a part of the body which is simply that to a child: a part of the body. Goodness knows, you’ll happily sing Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes!
Should relatives insist on using infantilised words, gently correct them and explain that you don’t want your child to experience confusion or shame about their bodies, so you are using the actual words and having an open discussion. You can tell parents or parents in law that you understand that they may feel uncomfortable about that.
Equip yourself with books which begin to mention changes that happen in children’s bodies as they mature into adults so that your child can ask questions. Integrate age-appropriate short picture books into your child’s library. You’ll be surprised how often they ask to read them. The key here is to read them with them – they are not a secretive read alone texts, rather opportunities to connect and learn.
There are books suitable for all ages (pre-school upwards) to respond as soon as your child asks – “Where do babies come from?” – so that you can say “I’m glad you asked that, I have a book we can read about it this evening.” Be ready to pre-empt the question and to whip out a book at bedtime – giving yourself time to settle into this new discussion in a calm and unflustered way.
Talk to children of both genders about periods and be honest that they happen “Mummy’s tummy is sore because her period has started. She has gone for a lie down with a hot water bottle to settle it. There’s nothing to worry about; it’s part of the female human body and it happens every month when a human body is able to have babies.” As they get a little older, you can explain that it includes a bleed from the vagina and start to discuss that bleeding is not always a bad thing to remove any shock factor when it happens.
The easier you have made it for your child to ask the questions, the earlier your curious child will ask questions about the mystery of life – which you can uncomplicate from the start through the quality of your response.
Yes, I am working on making this easier for me and yes, it can still make me feel uncomfortable to mention such words and it has taken some courage to write this. But I am determined to reduce – even remove – body shame as much as I can. And I encourage and invite you to do the same.
Mental development next week…
Personal Development for Kids - Part 1
Post-Christmas many of us feel bloated, tired and our bodies have slowed down. We begin to follow a new exercise plan and diet. And our children hear us saying “I am awful, I’m going to be so much better when I can run 5 km (swim/do yoga/hiit sessions etc) and when I’ve lost half a stone my life will be amazing.”