What do I do when my child is upset?

Your child – aged 4 or 14 or even 24 – is a puddle of tears on the sofa: what do you do about it?

Firstly, be aware that this is likely to cause you pain. No parent wants to see their child suffer. Yet that is not the same sentence as no child will ever suffer. There will be difficulty in your child’s life and part of your response will influence your child’s capacity to tolerate it. Stay with me…

 

Secondly, your pain will make it difficult to tune into what your child actually needs from you in that moment. In your pain, it becomes instinctive to remove your child’s discomfort. We go to comments such “It’s ok! Don’t cry!” or “There’s nothing to worry about, what’s your problem!” or “I know exactly how to sort this out!” In short, we find it so hard to deal with, that we cannot see that our child simply needs to feel the pain in the safety of our presence to be able to process it.

 

Thirdly, as it becomes difficult to assess what your child needs, it is a moment to stop and take stock. Can I respond in a more present and connected fashion at this point? What do I need to be able to do that?

 

Finally, notice that by trying to remove the pain, we negate their experience and invalidate their feelings. We are essentially saying “This is too much for me! I cannot cope!” and our child interprets this as “I’m too much for my parent. It isn’t safe for me to share this part of myself. I will learn to hide it.”

 

Tears and frustration indicate an overload in the sensory system – the upset person has not yet developed the capacity to deal with whatever caused the upset. When we, as parents, attempt to shut down the response, we are asking our child to keep this part of them to themselves – to deal with it on their own. When in fact, the child needs to be seen in this moment of despair with love, kindness, acceptance and compassion. 

 

How does our response to them in their moment of pain influence their ability to tolerate difficult times? 

 

When humans are given permission to experience difficult emotions in the safe emotional container of a loved one, without the need to chase it away and cover it up, they no longer fear the emotion as it has been allowed to exist. When we no longer fear an emotion, we can move into more emotional maturity where we consider all feelings to be part of the human experience and we accept them for part of life’s rich tapestry. In short; it still hurts yet it’s ok to feel the hurt. 

 

It is never too late to connect to our child in a different way, so if your child is 4, 14 or 24 and you have always told them to get on with it, you can adapt your response and begin to see moments of suffering as an opportunity to connect and allow your child to feel seen, held and loved in all of their difficult moments, as well as their easy and straight forward ones.

 

So, what can we do? 

Rather than: “It’s ok, don’t’ cry!” Try instead: “Cry as much as you need to. I’m here for you.”

Rather than: “There’s nothing to worry about! What’s your problem?” Try instead: “This is a big deal for you, I see that. I’m here for you”

Rather than: “I know exactly how to sort this out!” Try instead: “Do you want me to offer advice or to do something? I’m here for you”

 

These simple adjustments will take more time and require more emotional energy from you; I’d love to hear how you get on with them. And if you are not in the slightest bit sure of what I’m talking about – ask me!