When your child refuses to kiss Granny goodbye or feels shy to cuddle your best friend, how do you react? When they reject the food you offer, what’s your default comment? When they are scared, how do you deal with it?
Your child’s sense of their body autonomy rises from your response to their bodily felt experiences.
What is body autonomy?
It is the right to make decisions about one’s own life and future - being empowered to make informed choices. And I’m pretty sure that most of us want our children to learn this skill. To learn the ability to say no when one’s boundary is crossed - either physically, emotionally or psychologically - is an incredibly hard competence to master and we assume our children can do it. Yet how can they if we are telling them not to listen to their body felt experience?
Let’s set the scene. You are at Grandma’s house and your child doesn’t want to kiss Grandma goodbye. Out of embarrassment, you insist - believing you are teaching your child good manners and/or strengthening the bond between your relative and your child. How about acknowledging that they don’t want to do it this time, that it’s ok and perhaps they would like to next time. Yes, Grandma may be disappointed, so gently state “Sorry, Mum, let’s give them a little space. I’d like them to learn how to say no when someone wants to touch them. Perhaps next time.”
Or dinner time “I don’t want to eat these vegetables!” Out of fear that your child will never eat vegetables, you insist - believing that you are teaching them a valuable lesson about nutrition and reassuring yourself that your child is fed. How about acknowledging that they have a choice about what they put into their body “No green beans for you today? That’s ok. I don’t fancy green beans sometimes either. Perhaps you will give them a go next time.”
“I’m scared of the dark!” cries your eldest. Out of worry that this will escalate at bedtime, you tell them there is nothing to be scared about, believing that you are teaching them that they can trust you because you are a grown up and have learned that the dark is not something of which they need to be scared. How about acknowledging the fear and asking them about it “I can see you are scared of the dark. You look frightened. Tell me more about how you feel. Perhaps I can help you.”
These responses all encourage a child to become aware and pay attention to their inner voice - and in doing so, you teach them to be authentic. (More on authenticity next time.)
Furthermore, how can you be respectful of your child? Do you sometimes overpower their body, restrict or tickle? Can you make a request before you launch in? Respect them when you wash, hug or dress them? They are learning to honour their body - do you want to contribute to this learning?
Here are a few other examples which tell your child to follow others and ignore their inner voice:
“You are tired,” when they would rather stay up.
“You are hungry,” when they would rather play.
“Play with your friend, why are you sitting with me?” when they choose to watch and not play.
Can this go too far? The question often comes up. “Should you ask a baby permission before you change their nappy?” The truth is that only you will know what is right for you, your child, your relationship, your family - no one can teach or tell you that. I invite you to bring curiosity to your exchanges with your kids - do your exchanges encourage autonomy? How would you want them to respond to a stranger in this situation? Are you teaching them that they have a choice and that they can respect their body’s choices? Or are you teaching that another knows their body better than they do?
I’m not suggesting that anything goes - Conscious Parenting is not carte blanche for kids to behave in any way they choose, and this is where further reading, learning and practice comes in, especially if there are parts of our own childhood we don’t wish to recreate for our kids.
There are non-negotiables, such as you will not simply observe as they hurt themselves or another. For example, if they are about to run into the road, you shout and this may cause distress - if you shout and respond in the similar way when they say they don’t want to cuddle Grandma, the road becomes as dangerous as not cuddling Grandma in a child’s eyes. Body autonomy becomes dangerous and it becomes even harder to set boundaries.
Conscious Parenting is the possibility to choose, consciously, what feels right for our family and for our child in the present moment, knowing that life changes, that our children age and that your response may be very different next time.
As always, if you have no clue what I’m waffling about, get in touch! I’m always keen to answer questions.
Conscious Parenting: The Basics - June 2022 places are filling. Book here if you want to join. There are only eight family spots. This is the last course until September 2022.
