Authenticity
Authenticity – what on earth is that? Last week I referred to authenticity in the context of encouraging your child to pay attention to their inner voice in order to develop their body autonomy.
On an expanded level – and to attempt to answer the question - authenticity is the capacity to be true to your own values and spirit, regardless of pressure from elsewhere to act differently. It is desirable because it exudes trustworthiness and confidence. Moreover, authenticity inspires others to feel safe and to share more of themselves by responding with their own authenticity. We move into a place where we fully see one another, in all our imperfect glory.
Brene Brown says “To be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect—and vulnerable. We have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. I've learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude and joy into our lives than by mindfully practicing authenticity.”
You can see how authenticity brings a deeper connection which fundamentally gives our life purpose and meaning. No time is this more true than in childhood – without connection with a significant caregiver, children are unable to survive.
So yes! We want our children to be authentic!
And yet… we spend large chunks of their childhood instructing them on the way that they should respond and controlling how they behave. We ask them to ignore their feelings for fear of upsetting another – a sibling, a friend, a teacher… us! And for many other reasons.
And here’s the thing: in order to remain attached and connected to their prime caregiver, children will compromise their authenticity.
This makes it hard for your child to be true to their own values and spirit. And later, when they are emerging adults and we encourage independent thought and free thinking, this leads to confusion from young people about who they are in the world.
Yes! We want our children to be authentic! We want them to speak their opinions honestly and assertively, without aggression. We want them to pursue their passions and make decisions that are in line with their values. We want them to listen to their inner voice, be vulnerable and open-hearted. For all of the reasons that Brene Brown states above (check her out if you don’t know her already; she rocks.)
Furthermore, Neil Pasricha, author of You Are Awesome states: “When you’re authentic, you end up following your heart, and you put yourself in places and situations and in conversations that you love and that you enjoy. You meet people that you like talking to. You go places you’ve dreamt about. And you end up following your heart and feeling very fulfilled.”
If this makes sense to you, you may wonder what you can do about it – how does this play out on a practical level as you parent your offspring?
1. Get curious. When your child triggers anger or irritation in you – be authentic yourself while asking: what do they need from you?“Woah, I’m angry right now. [Modelling authenticity – without projecting your feeling onto them]I’m going to take some deep breaths to regulate myself [Modelling self-regulation]I think there is something happening for you too. I’m interested to know what that is and to work out how I can help you.” [Modelling compassion & kindness. Encouraging authenticity]
2. Find the capacity to tolerate Big Feelings when you can.“I sense there is something big which you aren’t sure how to describe. [Modelling compassion & kindness.]I am here for you while you work it out. No rush” [Encouraging authenticity]
3. Notice them when they behave in a way that seeks your attention.“You just hit your brother. [Statement of fact without blame or attack]It’s never ok to hurt yourself, anyone else or to damage something [Setting clear boundaries].However, you need something from me. I’m here while we work this out together. Take your time.” [Encouraging authenticity]
4. Be present – this doesn’t mean simply be in the room. It means giving your full attention to your child. Putting down your phone. Looking them in the eye. Letting them know how much they mean to you through your open body language.
5. Be aware of internal and external influence – are you comparing your child’s behaviour to that of another child? Are you comparing your response to that of another parent/family? If you sense you are doing that:“Oh heck, what will the neighbours think while my child is bashing their legs against the wall?”or“John Smith’s child doesn’t act out like this. There must be something wrong with my child.”Check yourself and dig deep inside to find a place of self-regulation (a deep breath, step away, ask your partner to step in if possible, get rest, get extra support if you need it…)
And, as always, notice that you cannot possibly facilitate authenticity at all times – either yours or that of your child. Small adjustments can make all the difference and change takes time, energy and commitment. You will be glad you applied all three.
If you have any questions, or if you want to see something else discussed here, get in touch.