What would your Mum say??
Shifting our parenting style from a paradigm employed by our parents can be challenging and uncomfortable. No more so than when we demonstrate a new approach under the watchful eye of our own Mum or Dad.
You may face outright criticism of your parenting approach, or perhaps you are being met with a face filled with unspoken judgement. Maybe your parents resort to their traditional “Because I say so!” parenting style when you are not around.
And yet, there are parts of your childhood experience on which you’d like to improve…
Firstly, take time to acknowledge to yourself that your parents did the very best they could. Their resources were not the same as ours are (I’m thinking the internet, taboo subjects and open conversations), culturally accepted norms were different (children should be seen and not heard; spanking was still part of the parenting toolbox) and, most importantly, neuroscience was not nearly as developed as it is today, so their sources of trusted information were limited.
Secondly, acknowledge to parents that you appreciate this and wish to build on all they did and so you have decided to do things differently, without any intention to vilify or discredit their work. You may need to reassure your parent(s) that your love for them is not compromised by the difference in your parenting strategies. It’s not personal.
And finally, gently request that your parent(s) try to follow your lead. Explain your methodology in a careful and considered way “I appreciate that you did the best you could for me (and my siblings) and I’m really grateful for that. There is so much more research that has taken place around child development since then of which I’d really like to take advantage and so would it be ok if you….”
Some of the classic lines you may encounter include (but are not limited to):
“We told you to get on with it and you turned out ok”
to which you can reply
“I know you did the best that you could and I’m grateful for that. There were times when I really could have used your time to talk through the difficulties I was facing, rather than just get on with them. I choose to offer that time to my child(ren) and I’d love it if you do the same when they are distressed or disgruntled.”
“You are being weak, don’t let a child get away with this behaviour!”
to which you can reply
“I believe that a child’s inconvenient or inappropriate behaviour is simply an immature way of communicating a need. I’m keen to understand what the need is, so I’m going to approach this with curiosity rather than punishment.”
“This is utter chaos, I can’t cope!”
to which you can reply
“Yes, it’s pretty hectic, I get that. The kid’s energy is high right now and I think that means they need to burn it off. I’m going to take them for a walk soon. Would you like to come?”
“How will they cope in the world if you don’t show them what harsh reality looks like?”
to which you can reply, in the words of LR Knost
“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”
The next course on how to implement these strategies starts on 6 June. It’s filling up! Book here.