The importance of Play

Play is the first form of learning and attunement play starts very early – games like peek a boo and repeating baby sounds back to an infant set the tone for connection and a sense of safety within our youngsters. This emotional connection builds awareness and creates a sense of being understood and cared for – critical factors for a child to build confidence and start to explore the world. 

As our children get bigger, we tend to play with them less and start to bring an expectation of adult behaviour to our interaction with them – especially with eldest children. With this adultification and dwindling play comes a drop in connection opportunities. Even as adults we need to have fun, to play and to cast off our adult responsibilities from time to time.

Our young people crave this interaction. And they crave it with us, their parents. 

We also assume that play is something that happens between peers, and we forget that we can offer invaluable access to this part of our kids. “The more responsive the parent is to their child, the deeper the attachment and the more likely the child will develop healthy ways of responding to the people around them,” says Bessel van der Kolk in his book, The Body Keeps the Score.

In a nutshell: play is a wonderful and simple shortcut to making children and young adults feel safe, connected, and loved.

But what if we find it tedious? What if we find it hard to access the playful side of ourselves?

Here are some suggestions:

As they wake, find silly and light-hearted ways to connect with them:

·      As you dress your child, place their trousers on your head and tell them that this is where their trousers are meant to go. They’ll soon tell you that’s not where they go. Some children may even say you are being silly – if so, you can confirm that this is EXACTLY what you are being. (When they do the same next day, tell them you’d love to see them turn up to school with trousers on their head – give them joy in the pretending.)

·      Pretend to put toothpaste on their hairbrush. (Be prepared to clean it up if they do the same, knowing that a hairbrush will wash and, although irritating, will be easy enough to sort out.)

·      Pour milk into their bowl with the lid still on. “Doh! I messed up there, never mind!”

At the end of the day, when you collect your child from school, be ready to connect:

·      Be prepared to finish your conversation with another adult quickly and to fully engage with your child. By all means apologise in advance to the adult with whom you are speaking – and let them know you are going to turn your attention to your child as soon as they approach you.

·      Look at them directly in the eye as they approach and offer the biggest hug. (When they refuse your hug, don’t take it personally; it tells you something else is needed. Get curious)

·      Pick them up and swing them around if you can. Give them the sense of joy that you feel when you see them after a day apart.

·      Treat them to your childish side - have a joke up your sleeve that you can share or get stuck into a game of tag. 

·      Put time aside to play in the playground for a few minutes TOGETHER; shelve adult conversations and focus on your child’s need to re-attune with you through play. 

·      Let them know you have missed their company and are delighted to spend time with them again. Thank them for playing with you.

When at home, when your child asks you to play with them:

·      Respond immediately with “YES!” Even if you must follow up with “as soon as I have finished changing the baby’s nappy.”

·      If the idea of child’s play is tedious and uninviting – set a timer: “I’d love to play with you. Thank you for asking – the timer is set for 5 minutes (less if you can’t bear it) on my phone, after which I’ll return to making dinner.” You will come to realise that it is a very short amount of time and you will see just how much your child values moments of connection like this. 

·      When the timer goes off, thank your child for giving their time to you. And let them know that you are looking forward to the next opportunity you have together. 

Conscious Parenting: The Basics was summed up this week as ““Life changing. Awesome. So powerful. Essential (for me). Penny-droppingly brilliant.”